


Who Needs Memories

by lucifer_dogfish



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Hurt No Comfort, Insecure Atsumu Miya, M/M, Miya Atsumu-centric, POV Miya Atsumu, Snippets, a bit of, but also kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:09:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27586573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucifer_dogfish/pseuds/lucifer_dogfish
Summary: He finds it ironic that he loved their team motto in high school. "We don’t need memories"He finds himself laughing, mirthless.What else would he rely on now when the only thing he’s got are memories?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Kudos: 35





	Who Needs Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Hi.  
> If you found your way here, may I ask that you see this through to the end?

**HE DIDN'T KNOW** if he felt angry that there wasn’t even anyone to blame. Would it be easier, having someone, something tangible to direct your anger at?

What he does know is that he just feels lost.

_Lost, lost, lost._

* * *

Everyone was a plant and Shouyo was their sun.

Somebody from Karasuno once told Hinata this, suddenly coming up in conversation during the after-party for the Adlers vs. Jackals match. Shouyo quips with ‘ _how could that be when you guys have devoured everything on the table? Not even a single potato chip survived. Shouldn’t plants photosynthesize?’_ but he could see a faint blush on his cheeks.

He once said that to him too. Only then he was sound asleep in bed. On the rare occasion that Atsumu wakes up first, he’s made it a point to watch him sleep.

Atsumu loved having the privilege of getting to see Hinata like this, all comfy in bed, tousled hair, arm over his torso.

He watches the steady rise and fall of his chest for a while, then turns ever so slightly to lightly embrace his form to him too, and drifts off to sleep.

* * *

**THERE WAS A BITTER TASTE** at the back of his mouth, and he doesn’t know what it is.

Today’s weather was sunny with a light breeze, people were milling about, going on their way. Office workers rushing to get to work early, students chatting about tests and _what do you think’s for lunch today?_ A small family headed towards the park.

And he was on his way to the gym for practice. Nothing unusual for a pro volleyball player.

But his head was aching, the sounds were grating on his nerve. The sights, irritating.

Then he gets it—gets why there was a bitter taste in his mouth despite having just brushed his teeth and gargled his spearmint mouthwash.

The world continues to spin because of its metal core and magnetic fields, and whatever forces keep heavenly bodies adrift in space.

They said that the sun only had a few million—or was it billion?—years left before its core is used up. Then it would turn cold and then life would really cease to exist on Earth (if, by some insane miracle, living beings could have survived the events leading to the sun’s demise).

> Atsumu was on his way out to pick up what he ordered then head straight to the airport when his phone buzzed.
> 
> “ _Atsumu_.”
> 
> He blinks. Looks at the caller ID. He could count on one hand the times Omi’s called him that before, and even then he’d looked constipated.
> 
> “Omi? What is it? Can this wait, I’m about to head out right now—”
> 
> From the other end of the line, he could hear someone breathing heavily. “ _Have you seen? His plane—_ ”
> 
> He doesn’t hear what he says as the next thing he knows is he’s looking at the television. Blood was rushing in his head, it was all he could hear. His mind only registers the words ‘ _plane_ ’ and ‘ _crash_ ’ and the call—his phone is on the ground—

Life goes on, the world doesn’t stop spinning—not for when one or a hundred people leave, not even for Hinata Shouyo.

But for him it did and it hasn’t moved since.

It hasn’t for one thousand and four hundred sixty hours and counting; Living and breathing even without the sun— _his_ sun—it sure as hell doesn’t feel like a fucking miracle.

Everything, everyone, was just _unfair_.

Atsumu can’t even bring himself to listen to Shouyo’s voice berating him in his head for thinking that. 

* * *

“ _One day, I'm gonna set for you. But before that happens, I'm gonna whoop the pants off ya in next year's Inter-High, so you'd better be ready."_

* * *

**THERE WAS AN ELEPHANT** in the room—a whole fucking circus—and it wasn’t Atsumu.

They just got home from a V. League private event to celebrate the opening of the season, where everything was _fine_ up until shit hit the fan.

“What was that earlier, ‘Tsumu? Shouyo-kun’s face was both mad and imploring.

But Atsumu’s brain is foggy and hearing him say _that_ just pulled the ugly red haze over his eyes. He tries to reign it in. “What? It’s nothin’. We were just joking ‘round.” Somebody give him a fuckin’ award.

“Nothing? You were about to punch Kageyama in the face!”

“So it’s still about him that bothers you, huh?”

“What are you talking about? I’ve been letting it slide the past week, but now you’ve gotta talk. You’ve been passive-aggressive these days and it fucking hurts now.”

“Ya don’t get it? Ask you dear friend Tobio then. I’m sure he’d be glad to have ya—what with being high school partners and all.” _Don’t._

“Atsumu. I thought we’ve talked about this. There’s nothing between me and Kageyama anymore for a long time, at least, not what you’re thinking.”

“Oh yeah?” Is he fucking with me right now or is he just dense? “What’s with the constant texting then? His little touches to you whenever the two of ya were in the same room? The glances as if yer sharing a joke just between the two of ya?!”

Atsumu lists his perceived transgressions, stops himself from saying more. He wouldn’t bare his heart like that.

But the emotions are tricky. Emotions color his thoughts green, make him see things not for what they actually are, but for what he _thinks_ they are.

Hinata’s winces at his volume. The last text I got from him was after my debut match which was months ago, ” he says as calmly as he could. “But what ‘touches’ and ‘glances’ are we talking about here? Sure I’m touchy with friends, but you knew that—heck, I was like that since I was a kid and it's not any different now—to you and the team, the others—‘cause you guys are _my friends_!”

His emotions were on a roll right now so yeah, fine. I’ll spit it out. “Oh come on, everyone—maybe except you, for god’s sake—knows it’s different. Tobio’s as subtle as a brick to the face. He wants you back! And hell, it looks like you do too! I never thought you’d do this to me, Sho—but if it makes you happy, fine, just _go_.”

“Is that really what you think of me? That I’d leave you just like that?”

_No—Yes—Never—_

_Yes._

But the green-eyed monster was growing. He couldn’t stop thinking about it—them. Atsumu knows he’s an unapologetic bastard (his peers tell him all the time) and he’s scared Hinata’s gonna realize it sooner or later, and once he does, he’s gonna leave him for sure.

“I—I’m not perfect!” Hinata shouts.

A few seconds of stillness pass. “Wha? Of course yer not. I’m not either! But—" _you’re perfect to me. I love you,_ is what Atsumu wants about to say but he gets cut off.

“I feel like you’ve put me up on this—this _pedestal_ , and all this time you were waiting for me to mess up. I don’t even understand what I’m doing wrong ‘cause every time I ask you shut me out until the matter’s swept under a rug. We don’t _talk_ anymore.” Hinata finally lifts his face up, tears falling from his eyes, dropping from his cheeks.

Atsumu didn’t know that silence could be more deafening than their shouting match. But when what Hinata said registers in his head, his body lurched forward, body acting faster than his brain.

He crushes his crying figure to him, head buried at the crook of his neck. _Will you really let your useless pride and insecurity get in the way now?_

Atsumu hadn’t expected that Hinata would say yes to him months ago, so he subconsciously wanted to save his pride—so when they eventually broke up, it wouldn’t be Atsumu’s doing, not his shortcomings. He won't come out of this with a guilty conscience along with a broken heart.

But in his fear of losing him, his focus shifted to how Hinata would inevitably leave him. And how it would be Hinata’s choice, his fault. It would hurt less that way, he thought.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He grips his body to his even tighter. 

Then they talk. They talk all night, laid things out in the open. Or what they could manage to. Slow and steady. They promised to take on things together this time for sure, careful not to let things stew for so long that it would fester.

In his quest to protect himself, he ended up hurting the one he loves the most—forgot that if Hinata Shouyo loved someone like him, only him, then there must be something he sees in him that’s worth loving.

He won’t be making the same mistake again.

* * *

**EVERYWHERE HE LOOKS** in their apartment screams his name. He's turned to putting down some of the frames this time.

Once, he got the urge to throw them out. But he couldn't, he never would—even if looking at them, knowing that they exist—hurt too damn much.

He finds it ironic that he loved their team motto in high school. _We don’t need memories._ Nothing was set in stone, past wins meant nothing, not when he lived in the present. He only relied on the muscles that he trained his whole life for, his ten fingers—the best support. Believed that his teammates would step up to the plate as long as he sets the ball with the care and precision as a proud setter would.

But now he finds himself laughing, mirthless. What else would he rely on now when the only thing he’s got are memories?

* * *

> **Sho <3 ** _18:50_
> 
> _Tsumu! Onigiri please? Take care on the way home~_

The text from Hinata calmed him a bit. It meant he was feeling better enough to have an appetite again. So, Atsumu was rushing home after practice, having what may be the fastest shower of his life. The guys were looking at him with mirth, while some were holding their laugh in.

“Go ahead and laugh, ya bastards! Can’t help that ‘m just the best boyfriend ever!”

“Whatever you say, Atsumu! Tell Hinata we’re rooting for him,” Adriah snickers.

“He’s sick, not in a match, Adriah-kun. Have been skipping studying your Japanese?”

Meian steps in, “Yeah, tell him good luck for us,” looks at his watch, “Go now while I hold Bokuto off.”

“Ya guys are weird.” Atsumu finally says, looking at them with squinted eyes. “But, _my_ wing spiker’s waiting so bye!”

Hinata had threatened him with bodily harm if he missed practice just to take care of him. It was just so rare for Hinata to become sick since that time at Nationals, could they really blame him for worrying?

He dropped by Onigiri Miya to get some tamago kake gohan onigiri (which Osamu somehow made possible when Hinata asked him for it since it was his favorite) on the way home. Their pantry was stocked for soup or any food Hinata could stomach while sick (which Atsumu could safely cook on his own).

Osamu had been busy staring at his phone, then suddenly quipped, “Oi, you haven’t seen you dear brother in a while and yer just gonna leave like that? Ya just visit me for my food.”

“What dear brother? There’s only you though.”

“Don’t expect a free meal ever again.”

“I’m kidding, yer my favorite brother!! But I really do have to go, ‘Samu. Sho-kun’s sick and alone right now.”

“Then wait there for a bit and bring something extra for him.”

Ten minutes later, Atsumu peeks into the kitchen to strangle his brother. "What're ya making that it's taking this long?"

_Sorry, Hinata-kun. I hope ten minutes' enough._ "Shut yer trap, don't rush perfection." The extra meal was done minutes ago and Osamu had just been pretending to be busy, holding off Atsumu from leaving for as long as he could.

Atsumu was finally out the door not long after with a ' _Don’t eat that on the way!'_ And a _'Good luck, I hope you live!'_ from his twin.

Their place had been dark when he opened the door. Did the lights give him a headache? Maybe he was feeling worse than earlier. _Damn_. _Maybe I should’ve just stayed._

“Sho? I’m here.” No answer. He flips some lights on as he goes toward the bedroom. “Sho-kun?”

“Happy anniversary, ‘Tsumu!,” greets a cheery Hinata in the doorway. A very _not-_ sick Hinata.

Not for the first time, Atsumu’s brain short circuits. There were candles all over, but not near any flammables _thank god,_ they did not want to have a repeat of that incident. A variety of finger food was on the bedside table, and his favorite movie waiting to be played on the TV. Not to mention that said _not_ -sick Hinata was also wearing his Jackals jersey over comfy shorts.

He had totally forgotten the date when he saw Hinata looked sick this morning. Still on autopilot, he drops his bag as he rushes to Hinata and gives him a kiss that says _hello, I’m here, I love you,_ all at once.

“Happy anniversary, Sho. But how could you fake being sick? I was so worried!”

“Hehe, should I try and be an actor instead?” Hinata says with a shit-eating grin. “It was the only way I could think of!" Then proudly told him how he executed his plan "I cleared my leave with captain and coach last week. Oh! I even had to text Osamu-san to stall you for a bit ‘cos I wasn’t ready yet.”

“So that’s why everyone’s being weirder today.”

“Really? Then remind me to beat them up tomorrow, they almost ruined the surprise!”

Then he turns, grabs his hand and leads him to the bed. “C’mon, let’s eat while we watch, food’s still warm.”

With Hinata’s back turned to him, Atsumu’s suddenly reminded of what he’s wearing.

**MIYA**

**13**

He pulls Hinata’s hand back, making them face each other again. And Atsumu swoops in to kiss him again, properly, this time. Lips worshipping Hinata’s lips, his skin.

Hinata seems to snap out of his daze and responds, because nothing in this world was more absolute than _Atsumu sets_ and _Shouyo spikes—_ sometimes vice versa—and their hands in and on each other.

He splays one hand on his nape, in his hair; the other on his side, his back, everywhere—roaming, caressing Hinata’s warm, still-tan skin.

All ten fingers, all of his limbs, his whole body in contact because he is _Atsumu_ and he is _Shouyo_.

***

Hinata, at one point during their long night, gets a hold of the camera, asks Atsumu for permission; and surprisingly, the setter’s face reddened even more, to the tips of his ears down to his neck.

The photos he’s taken had been displayed around their apartment, on the wall, in the bedroom. Yachi had been to their home a few times and she showered him with compliments about his photography skills. A bright smile bloomed on the tangerine’s face, proud that Yachi thought so. He was inspired by how their former manager had made posters for the team, how a single picture told a thousand words. Kinda like how seeing the Little Giant once on TV on that one day started his passion for volleyball. 

But this lone picture only makes it to their phone under lock and key, for their eyes only.

* * *

**ATSUMU HAD FUN** for the first time in a long while, he was just on his way home from a night out with the Jackals. They played video games over at Shion’s and said person kept demanding that as the host, they should let him win. The night was filled with good food and raucous laughter, he was surprised their neighbors didn’t call the cops on them.

Maybe that’s why MSBY game night were hosted in rotating shifts.

He was staring at nothing over the window until he feels a feather-light touch on his shoulder. He was being handed something, but he had to blink a few times to clearly see what it was. Was it a fan? He really wasn’t in the mood right now, but if it was just one…

The kid leaves it in his hands and he had half a mind to return whatever it was but he had already left the bus with his guardian.

Finally, he looks down and sees that it was a handkerchief with tiny wet splotches on it already. _Omi-omi would burn this in an instant. Strange kid._

Turning to look out the window again, he catches sight of his reflection. _Oh_. _So it was him_. Atsumu’s cheeks were wet, another tear threatens to leak further.

_Why?_ Everything was good today and he didn’t even have a moment to think about Shouyo.

He was doing good for once in what felt like a lifetime.

He was doing **_good_**. So why?

* * *

With how sociable Hinata Shouyo was, you’d think his love for taking photos would extend to sharing them over his social media. Sure, he was active on it in his free time and he had plenty of followers, but his posts were was mostly replies to tweets and sharing promotional events. His tweets were just words and the very occasional pictures.

So it came out as a big surprise to fans when his tweet came out later in the day.

> **☀️ Shouyo** _@MSBY_NinjaShouyo_
> 
> Signing a new long-term contract!
> 
> [ _Hinata’s right hand holding a pen over a_ _marriage contract, but the names aren’t visible. A few steps away is a man with blonde hair and a dark undercut talking to someone._ ]
> 
> **MSBY 21 SIMP** _@iloveyoushouyo_
> 
> WHAT ASDSKJKH?!?!
> 
> Idk if I want to cry tears of joy or pain
> 
> **ATSUHINA IS REAL** _@changemymind_
> 
> Ladies and gents, it was a pleasure working with ya’ll. To our new passengers, please wait to board the next ship, cos this one is SAILING
> 
> p.s. PLEASE TAG THIS STARVING CHILD IF THEY DROP ANY MORE CRUMBS

* * *

They’ve been house-hunting for while now, his feet hurt and his belly ached. _One more, please? I_ promise. _Then we’ll eat!_ His wife said that three houses ago as they were on a “Mr. and Mrs. Yoshida _let’s-pick-a-house day_ ” (they gotta work on their naming skills). Still, he smiles to himself as she runs barefoot towards the gates.

There was a rumor about this house. Bright and glinting at the seaside, bathed in the ocean breeze. It was just the right size, they think. Modern-looking but cozy. There was a wooden porch, slightly bigger than normal. His wife could probably do her yoga out here, a plus, he thinks, more than the others. He turns to the realtor and also his friend.

“So what’s the story? This one looks really good, why hasn’t anyone bought it?” Not that he minds.

“That beauty was just put up for sale this week. Owner was an Olympic athlete, had it planned and finished a year ago, but recently decided to sell it instead. It’s quite different than the others, huh? I told you I saved the best for you both for last.”

Now that he was closer, he could see his wife admiring the tall glass walls, which fortunately, had real, solid, opaque outer walls that were moveable. They wouldn’t want to accidentally flash the occasional passers-by or they would want actual protection and not just glass.

“Look, darling! We could have sunlight and the cool breeze all day, think of the electricity bill we could save!” She jokes but they both know how she was like a plant with how much she loves the sun. He chuckles as she continues to inspect the rooms.

His wife looked sold on the idea of living this house, as was he, when he saw the spacious kitchen. So they shook on it and promised to meet again next week for the papers and what-not.

Others may tell them that they’re being too hasty, buying a house on your first house-hunting and seeing it only once, ‘ _buying a house is a commitment_!’. But it felt like it was tailored for them. It feels good to finally have peace and time to just be. They’ve been through a lot to finally get where they are today. He still thinks this is just a dream.

It was just a house now, but with his wife in it with him, he feels like it could easily feel like home. Now, he feels, is a new start.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't imagine them being ever separated, especially not like this. But if they do...
> 
> I'd like to think--hope--Atsumu would be alright--happy, even--someday, somehow. I hope I was able to allude to that at the last scene.


End file.
